K this is basically a rant...because im crying and cant stop so i just need to vent this out... I feel like my porn addiction kinda was triggered by my dad and i will tell u why in a 30 page story... (kidding..maybe) My dad left my mom with us 3 girls when I was 3 years old....and he never wanted to come visit...i remember being little and crying for my dad and calling him and sometime he would hang up on me...i was only 6 yrs old. He would hang up on me anytime i would mention him not spending time with me. We lived in the same town and it was pretty small...his work was down the street from my house. My mom once gave him a car for super cheap...$500 if he would promise to spend time with us kids. It never happened... Sometimes i would go to his work and visit him and buy him and bring him food as a surprise. I was maybe 9... I just really wanted him to like me. At this time us 3 girls would go to his house visit..it usually happened twice a year...but he was really into online gaming and would just play games the whole time we were there. One time he made us all take a nap together with him. I wasnt tired but he made me...but i actually enjoyed it. I felt close to him, like he loved me.I remember closing my eyes and trying to remember this feeling of being close and hugging my dad. Cuddling. I layed there for about 2 hrs with him awake trying to take in each moment. I remember having another moment like this when i brought my bike to his work so he could fix the chain. He was knelt over fixing it....and I again had that feeling. This is what it feels like to have a dad who loves you. I tried to take in this short moment...and for some reason i had the urge and gently touched the top of his head, while smiling. But he felt it. And looked up at me 'what are you doing?' In a scolding manor. It scared me and the moment was gone..lol...i just quickly said nothing and then he continued fixing the bike. I hardly seen my dad growing up. At one time after living in a foreign country with my mom and stpe dad. We cmae home and didnt have a place to live...my step dad built a small shed and so us 3 girls put our beds and bedroom things in there. One night after visiting our dad...he dropped us off and i was so excited because i could finally show my dad my room, i.fwlt that this was important...because i felt he could get to know my personality if he seen my room and seen what objects i had...i pulled him over come see my room. I told him my mom and stepdad werent home s he can come see.. he kept saying no, i begged please dad just stand at the entrance and look in. But he didnt and just went home. I felt devastated. I wanted so bad for him to know me....in my teen years things were the same.. i would hardly see him and he would call...if i did visit him it was because i would stop by without telling him because i know if i ask he will say no. My dad had a live in girlfriend for while, then one day when i came to visit he told us. They had been married for 1 year now. I was heartbroken...he didnt even tell me and i didnt get to go to the wedding...and i had visited him prior..why couldn't he have told me earlier.....a bit later he again announced something...his wife was now 8 months pregnant. I remember being at his house i thought she was just getting fat...i was saddend that he never told me then. I told my dad please call me when she is going to have the baby. I want to be there at the hospital waiting. I called him since i felt like it was taking forever for him to call me, and when i asked he said the babies been here for 2 weeks. I told him, i asked u a million times to phone me to tell me...he just said he forgot, and yet my grandparents and my stepmoms family were there...a year later...I was walking in a store when my stepmoms mother came up to me and said isnt it wonderful to have a new baby on the way? I was confused but then as she explained my stepmom was about give birth any day now with a second child...my dad never did tell me about the baby.... .
My 2 half brothers are now 4 yrs old.. When i do visit my dad he tells me about all the places and things hr does with his kids...i cant help but feel my heart ache. I had cried so much wanting to be with him to spend time with him...and he never did. Now i have to sit and listen to him tell me how how spends time with his new kids. At times it takes everything i have not to burst into tears or even go into a panic attack. Whenever i come home from visiting i will go into a panic attack or cry...id cry before and after...its just too painful. My dad never bought me a birthday gift or anything for Christmas ever. He has never gave me a gift in my life. And he would constantly complain about paying child support. Before my mom would feel bad for him and say she will lessen the money for child support if he promises to spend time with us. She would lower it but nothing would happen. She bribed my dad so many times gave him free things in exchange for him to spend time with me. He never would Even now he is wanting support to be lifted completely from my little sister who is still a minor. Then I go to his house and see how many toys and gifts and trips he has planned for my brothers. Can i just have one thing out of his want? I just feel so worthless....Im not enough. A car...money...those things are worth more then me... All my dad has shown me is that im not worth the time, energy, money, not worth loving, caring for...if he knew my personality he would know that the gift i cherish the most is a persons one on one time with me. Even my sisters know that. Feeling this way really messed me up...i felt like going somewhere else to find a persons love and approval. My step dad would say he loves me but then throw me away easily. One time my step dad introduced me to his friend and proudly said 'she is my daughter' i perked up and felt so happy and grateful he said that. 'I was his! ' but then not long after he would say 'your not my daughter!' And withhold from giving things to me. My stepsad has 3 other daughters. He would shower them with gifts and even let them love for free by paying the rent of there houses. But for me he demanded i pay him $1000 to live in my bedroom with them and took my car away because i didnt want to babysit his granddaughters who constantly said i bullied them after i would take them out shopping and buy treats and gifts for them. He would really verbally abuse me too...making negative comments on my appearance and body..making me feel worse... I knew i wouldnt get what i craved from both my bio dad and step dad... I literally have no men in my family...they are all girls...I felt i needed to look outside for love and affection. I watched alot of daddy porn and incest porn. And also started being a cam girl. I would search out men who were in there 40's...handsome older men. I thought maybe if i gave them a good show they would fall in love with me and be with me. It did work alot...i got alot of purposals...but no matter how many men i played with i didnt feel satisfied...there is still always an aching in my heart. When I cammed I would do anything for them...i had no limits... i would be willing to do anything they wanted if it meant they would like me...show me approval..praise me....I did some pretty sick things and stuff...to make men happy..but i was never left happy. I dont want a boyfriend....alot because i dont like young guys. They need to be in there 40's or they dont interest me. But i feel like i am in this cycle...looking for something where i will never find it..... I cry constantly over this...every few days im bawling ....today thinking that there is no man in my life who loves me....and no one will, not unless i plan on letting them use my body. And also watching videos on YouTube of girls asking there step dads to adopt them....seeing the mans face...feeling joy or even crying and hugging there daughter....they must want to have there daughter alot and live them alot if they are crying....why cant my dad be like that.... For the past week iv been texting my bio dad at 1am 2am....because thats when i feel emotional and iv been up crying for awhile to the point where i am so bitter and angry i want to tell him off or tell him how i really feel. I have avoided it and kind of become his favorite...since my 2 sisters are so angry and pained they refuse to talk to him without calling him names. I always tey to keep it down...if i do text him alot of times im crying and he doesnt even know it...its just so painful. I dint ever bring up how i feel since in the past he would hang up or stop talking to me for a long long time.
I always keep track of how long its been since i have seen him... I havent seen him in 2 years....and last time we texted was in march 2016... So....7 months.. Did I mention he has always lived 2 blocks from me...he has never been far away that he cannot see me.. We only text when i initiate it...and at times i wont text him for awhile because i am not in a good state of mind...it hurts to feel this aching all the time...its almost to the point where it is physical pain. ... When i text him i always say 'hi daddd' Because calling him dad...makes me feel good...i want him to be my dad and i want him to love me and care for me as his daughter....and saying it althought his feels are not there...helps me to pretend... Lol I dream alot about finding a man who is so nice and wonderful and he adpots me or i find out i have a different bio dad and my real one loves me. Even now im planning to hopfully someday meet someone nice and kind enough and that we can become close in. A healthy none sexual way and become close enough that he would actually take me as his own. Some day im also going to make a youtube video of asking a man i care for to adopt me...i just hope i can meet and develope a relationship with that person soon. I want to be young and have a dad...not old...im going to be 22 soon...this fantasy is the only thing that cheers me up...although at times i brings me pain to since i want it so bad and i want it now..lol... But everyone probably thinks im weird and being unrealistic...but idc...i just know that thinking about never being loved by a man in a non sexual way....makes me want to kill myself...i just see no point...if i have to be in pain the rest of my life, i dont think i can handle it. This aching is already overwhelming...my siblings feel it too...i want us all 3 to be loved.... I think thats all for my rant.. i kinda feel better now.. I dont think anyone will read this...its super long..but if u do...your awesome..thumbs up. ♡♡♡♡ I owe u a coffee
Jesus that's heart breaking. Well first off as an addict and someone who is traumatized from a crappy childhood, your going to need to heal yourself before you are even ready for a real relationship and real love. There's a lot of douchebags out there so your already facing a needle in a haystack. The reason you pick crappy relationships and fake love from camming, is because that's all you feel you deserve. Your father made you feel like you weren't worthy of his love so you believe it. DONT The reason your father was crappy was that he himself was damaged and immature when he had you. The reason he's trying hard with his new kids is partly due to maturity and party because deep inside, whether he knows it or not, he feels guilty and shitty about his previous oerfirmance as a father. I know it's no consolation but it's not your fault it's his. He was the one not worthy of your love. So you need to realize that you have value. You, not your body or what you do with it. Only after you can start healing and seeing things the way they truly are, will you be ready for the needle when you find it. And you will if you keep pushing yourself to heal and get through
You're becoming an adult now. Don't worry, it will happen slowly. It's a natural process of growth. The good thing is that you won't be a child with a child's needs anymore. You will learn to stand on your own feet. Not at all meaning to sound harsh, but it indeed sounds unrealistic to find a non-sexual kind of love from an older man at your age. Even at a younger age, it would be difficult. But it's good that you want to keep sex out of this now. May be you'll be able to give yourself the love you crave at some point. How about male friends? Do you have any? I did, and someone else did as well, I guess. All the best
Kristen, I have nothing to say but that I'm very, very sorry about all that you had to go through. It's heartbreaking, really. You did not deserve this. You deserved a father who loved you and who had a smile on his face every time you called him daddy. Your father has many issues, and his behavior towards you stems from the fact that he can't come to terms with his own journey, just like @Secondchanceatlife said. It has nothing to do with you being not worthy of love. Because you are, and as the people of NoFap, your fellow travelers, we love you. Please don't give up your search for a man who loves you for who you are, and to whom it means much more to have your heart than to have your body. There are men out there like that, and I wish you all the luck of this world to find one. I'm impressed at your level of self-awareness. I think you have identified one of the major causes of your tendency towards PMO and camming, and that alone is worth a lot. Because you know where healing is needed most. Wishing you a tiny bit of healing today. Sending you strength. Thank you for sharing.
I dont have any male friends.. Also thats whats frustrating becaus eim growing up but i still have a child like mindset in that i want fatherly love like a child does. I have that need and unless u experience it yourself you wont undersrand
I'm so sorry you went thru all that with your father. My dad has never been to my basketball games, concerts or even graduations. I know how you feel and I hope you realize soon that him not being in your life had nothing to do with who you are. He missed out on so many great experiences with you. I know when I become I father I will be nothing like my dad and will break that cycle. I'll be praying for you and again I'm so sorry you went thru all that. at first I thought you were too old to get adopted, but after doing some research apparently adopting an adult is a thing in most places in the world.
What I wanted to say is that you will develop the ability to give yourself that love you crave. I like the concept of the "inner child" which seeks support from your adult self. Yes, your wounds need to heal, they need to be caressed, but you can do that yourself. Becoming aware of how your psyche works is an important step in that process, and you're already doing that, or at least starting to do that. It's true that I don't have this experience, but then again I have others... hope I'm not being ignorant! @Sursum Corda expressed similar thoughts way better than I did.
Keep fightin', girl! A lot of my friends had these same issues growing up. Some of them are sort of following their own path in life and others are "successful" by most accounts. Your happiness needs to be the compass of your life. We can rationalize and doubt. But sometimes it's best to just go with your gut. PM me if you have any questions or concerns.
I dont feel like its about being happy but about having needs met. Its hard to move on and fix things yourself when there is this big chunk of you missing
I'm so sorry Kristen. I read the whole thing. I wish I could hold you and let you cry! I'm not a dad in my 40s but I am a mom in my 40s. Have you tried counseling? I recommend that you not go to an older male. It would be too easy for you to become inappropriately attached. Love and hugs!
@Kristen: It's sad and injustice to a child.what I think is you are an adult now.please move ahead from that mindset.be it there while you move forward.things will improve.Find a good guy,get married.have kids and give thm all affection that you missed.This will ease you from innermost.Help others and yourself first.come out of this PMO addiction.you can do it.it just need real fight whn cravings tangle us. Keep working.Hope & moving forward is life.
I read down through your whole story, and I am so sorry that you had to grow up that way. Some men, like your Dad, take a long time to grow up. It sounds like you were more mature than he was; you were far more capable of maintaining a relationship and caring. It would be totally normal to feel like you need a father, and I hope you can find a good father figure. After high school, I left home and was surprised when my best friend and his fiance kept visiting my parents. I found out that she and a couple of sisters had been raised by an aunt and had no idea what it was like to have parents or even how many siblings she had. My parents didn't adopt her but welcomed her, and in them and in others she found a family model that she could develop. Her life has really worked out; she and my friend married, made it work, and are now grandparents. You do not have to come from a healthy home to form one of your own. I hope you can find the love that you have missed and will show others the love that you can understand they need. With some understanding and healing, you could use your sad experience become a really awesome wife, mother or caring helper. I know tht you must have a hole to fill; helping others could be a way to help start filling it. If you could keep trying to get together with you Dad and not totally write him off, you have an awesome heart.
