Hi everyone. I am of course new to this site and I am seeking to better my life. I am a 45 year old male with two kids and has been recently divorced. I have read many of our users stories before sharing mine and I have found some comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this journey. My story starts back like most to my adolescent days of discovering masturbation and the joy of orgasm. Those were the pre internet days, so my porn fascination began with dads nudie magazines and my imagination. As I entered high school I was not "popular" but had numerous good friends but being a "ladies man" was not my forte. Masturbation played a key role through my high school career and I was soon introduced to porn movies....on VHS. Yes old school! Once college rolled around I was still heavily masturabting with visual aids and movies but did find the time to finally lose my virginity. I look back on it now and it was a very embarrassing and shameful way to lose it. Drunk and with a girl I new from high school who was heavy set and frankly not very good looking. But we got it on, in a friends bed and it was over before I knew it. I still remember being embarrassed and remember getting dressed and getting the hell out of there. I didn't have sex again until a few years later with a wonderful women I met in school. Things seemed great....my masturbation was "down" as was porn viewing but that all came screeching to a halt when we broke up...no fault of my own. From there it was the downward spiral, as most are familiar with. I was living on my own, lots of free time and no girlfriend. What is a boy to do? I got heavily involved in renting or buying porn movies and masturbating to them daily sometimes numerous times. I can even remember on a Sunday I think I hit eight times. Really? Eight times? How does that happen? Needless to say I began watching different genres of porn because...you know watching hardcore sex between and man and women just gets so boring. By this point in my life the Internet was on it feet and running and boy what an eye opener. Porn was as easy as clicking my mouse. And it was anything I wanted. I really began to fantasize about transwomen and transvestites. Watching that porn genre really excited me to the point where I began buying women's clothes and heels and dressing up and masturbating. But when it was over the shame would creep in that this all seemed wrong and I vowed of course to get rid of it all and start fresh. I can't tell you how many times and how much money was wasted on that. But I know that leading up to it... The anticipation of coming home and watching porn and dressing up and masturbating was basically a drug. The orgasm was the best feeling in the world and I couldn't get enough. Eventually my gears shifted to new genres as I got older, simulated rape and rough sex was always a turn on and so was young and old sex. I began having fantasies about have sex with my mother and turns out I wasn't alone in that endeavor. Websites committed to each of these began to to pull me in. Surfing late into nights finding and seeing things I had only imagined. One site would lead to the next and to the next and the next would show you new things....beastility was different and exciting. I found myself wanting to find ways to get my mom into bed but eventually my conscious took over and it subsided. To this day I still fantize about just one time with her. I know this will never come to fruition but again it is the pull of porn that keeps this fantasy alive. I eventual began dating a women that would become my wife. I hid this secret from her for most of our marriage. Sex was always a "chore" and I found myself either unable to get an erection due to this habit or it had became such a habit that achieving a truly hard erection was impossible. She eventually found out and like most struggled to understand it. "You have a wife who is always willing to fuck you!! Why do you do this?!" I can still remember her yelling. As most of us know the answer from my mouth..."I don't know." Shamefully of course. We carried on the marriage as I sought counseling for this addiction. That was my first ever counseling and did it help? Jury is out. I feel I learned some things that I can rely on today but as expected things went well for a while and I slipped back into my routine. We had two kids by this point but eventually I was caught again later on. Back to therapy. Again it was all good for awhile but life has a funny way of wearing you down. Job stress, kid stress, wife and marriage stress, it all gets to you and as an addict I turned to the one thing that was enjoying. Porn, masturbating and orgasms. I can say that this eventually was a major cause of my divorce. This of course drove me to new heights in my PMO...I have now been on my own for the last two years and have dove headlong into my addiction. I have experimented back with cross dressing and anal play. I feel hooked on sissy training tubes And I find myself wanting to hire a transwoman prostitute to experience it first hand. I find myself surfing the iPad at night for rough sex and rape tubes. My mother impulses are just as strong with role play sites involving mother and sons. POV tubes are also a staple. I can use my vagainal toy to simulate and fantasize about sex with her. There seems to be nothing to taboo for me anymore. I have found myself recently surfing jailbait sites with young girls and masturbating or using a fleshlight and playing porn in the background to simulate sex noises while lusting at them. I have even gone to the lengths about fantasizing about my daughters friends and using pictures of them to masturbate and orgasm to. I know that in my head I tell myself that this is the extent of my addiction....but is it? What can I really control anymore? If confronted by a young girl who is curious would I let myself fall prey to my addiction? I honestly don't know. That's why I'm here though. To seek help and be with others that are suffering like me. I have somehow found a new lady in my life and I feel the need to change. I want to become better. To have a "normal" life with intimacy and love. I want to be better for my kids. I don't want them to have to suffer and be put in positions of asking me questions about what's on my computer. I know I can't protect them from everything but I can at least protect them from witnessing my addiction. But when it is all said and done... Like most addicts we are all selfish. And being selfish I want this for myself. I know I can never be perfect and I won't strive to be....but I can strive to be better and if it means being better one day at a time than that's what it will be. Unlike most addictions, where pills and patches can help ween you down....there is nothing for us. It's cold turkey. That's hard. For me there are triggers everywhere I look and I guess that's what I seek out here too....how do others handle their triggers? Even as I type this my mind reverts to that same PMO trap. Forcing it back won't always work and so I am here to seek this community's help. This was an extremely hard manifesto to write. Memories have flooded back to me I had long forgotten. So here I am. Day one. Ready for my future.
Thanks for sharing your story. Very glad you've come here! In your case, it seems like having an accountability partner would be good for you. If you feel like it's an impossible chore, it really is not. Just read some of the success stories on this forum and you will be amazed what people can do and how it changed their life. All in all, the only person that can change your habits is you. Start with setting yourself some goals, coming up with a plan (porn blockers, delete all porn, accountability partner, etc) and then slowly chip away at life without porn. You can do it!
Mint jelly Thanks for the advice! I am here to solve this addiction. I know going into it that it will not be easy so your advice will be heeded. Baby steps are the best and I have been scanning the posts for awhile. It is comforting knowing that I am not alone in my fight. I will check into having an accountability partner....it would be nice to have someone keep me in check and be there to help when I need it.....and I will need it. You are right it does seem like an overwhelming obstacle at this point and time but small goals will be set. Day one.....looking forward to day 7! ( and beyond)
congrats on Day1. keep it going. YOu've detailed some really explicit stuff, way outside the confines of the heterosexual committed relationship you're yearning for. it sounds like your brain is completely addicted to those chemicals you've been feeding it through ever-more-extreme porn. I think it's going to a take a lot of work to reboot your brain, but I am confident it can be done if you really work at it. YOu also might want to consider continuing therapy, or going to a different therapist. It sounds like you're working through some very deep emotional issues along with your P addiction. The first thing is to put P on the list of "Never An Option." Eating yellow snow? Again, not an option. P is like eating yellow snow. Just. Don't. Do. It.
FPDoc I don't disagree with that at all. I did leave some things out that have led me to where I am at. I at least recognized that I have a deep rooted issue and have accepted the fact that I can't change it on my own. I am certainly going to return to therapy and have started looking for someone I can be comfortable with. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and comment. The struggle is real here.
Man, this is perhaps wrong to say but your story makes me feel a bit better about my own. I don't at all judge you. Thanks for sharing. I've got around a week clean and relate to what you said. Love to chat anytime.
