How I Got Here and Ruined Everything

This is my first post with a selfish immature story to tell, so bear with me.

When I met my girlfriend 2 & 1/2 years ago during our freshman year of college, I instantly knew that she was the one. I thought she was the most beautiful, funny, smart woman on the planet and I considered myself so lucky to have her, and told myself all the time to not mess it up. The problem was however that I had been watching p since around age 13 (9 years ago) and up until about 6 months ago is when I really swore off of it.
It started off with her just finding videos downloaded on my laptop. We got into a big argument over it, and it ended up with me deleting the videos from my laptop and us just forgetting about the fight. I however, did not stop looking at online p and mo, and the whole time was betraying my girlfriend by lying to her about it and looking at these other people online.
The p never really affected our s life, I never used a death grip or had any problems other than a PIED here and there, but it was never frequent and a lot of times it did not seem like that was the problem on those occasions.
About 7 months go by, and then I really mess up. I cheated on her by going online to talk to other women in a dirty way. This of course was heart-breaking and was the first time I realized that I had a problem. She was broken and thought that she was not good enough and that her body was not what I wanted, even though it truly had nothing to do with me not wanting her body, but my own messed up immaturity to go and do something like that to her. My addiction had grown into something bigger than p.
After the cheating came out I went to go talk to a counselor at my schools campus wellness center. I talked to my counselor about how to overcome my p addiction and was given some good tips about what I should do if I get the urge or temptation to go online and watch it like going to exercise or just talking to someone until I can get to the point where I do not have those thoughts. Those two ideas given too me were some of the best advice I got for how I should get passed the control p had on me. A few months go by with my girlfriend and I and we are starting the rebuilding process. Obviously there was no trust due to what I had done and my girlfriends self-esteem was at an all time low. I vowed that I would never watch p again, and that I would be the best man I could for the woman who loved me.
Then one May afternoon just before I went to go take a final for school, I messed up again. I do not exactly remember how the conversation came up, but the bottom line was I told my girlfriend (like the idiot that I am) that I fantasized about 2 of her friends before. I don't exactly know why I thought it was okay to say that, but my memory of it has me thinking that I did not think anything bad would happen. While the act alone of saying that is bad enough, the thing that struck my girlfriends core the most was the fact that both of the girls that I mentioned had either bigger boobs or was able to push them up more than my girlfriend. She was already feeling terrible from the fact that I had cheated on her, but this broke her. She felt terrible about her body. She thought that I didnt love her for her. She hated herself. The whole time she was crying and asking "Why, Why, Why?" I felt like the biggest piece of s#$t in the world. I had done it again. I had hurt her and made her feel even worse.
She stayed with me though. And the next 10 months were rebuilding off of the damage I had done. It wasn't easy. There were plenty of nights where we would be up arguing and fighting over what I had done and the was she felt. Every time we talked about it we both sank lower and lower, and it felt like we would never get better. But after awhile it started to mend, and wounds slowly started to close. We were happier. All the talks were worth it. I had been going back to the campus counselor and talking to them more and more about how to keep p away and how to make my girl feel better.
And then I messed up again. I had gone onto twitter and someone had posted a picture of a woman naked with the caption follow this person on snap-chat. Immediately my brain twitched and I got onto snap-chat and added the person. My conscious snapped me out of it though before I saw a picture of her, and I never intended on communicating, my infected, immature mind just wanted to watch. To make matters worse my girlfriend had found out about a week before that, that I had clicked on a nsfw link on Facebook to a girl with big boobs. My girlfriend found the name on snap-chat and immediately thought the worst. That I had done what I had done over a year ago to her, again. So those two things brought the relationship back down and I was a P.O.S. again and I didn't deserve her.
Side note- At about this time it came out that my girlfriend had been addicted to p even more than I was for about the same time. And all throughout our relationship had hidden p from me and lied about it to me. I know it doesn't make what I have done better, but it almost felt good to know that I wasn't the only one in the relationship messing up. (or messed up in the head)
The biggest thing after all the mess ups was my girlfriends body image issues. She thought that she wasn't good enough. That she needed big boobs to be perfect and sexy to me. Everytime she would doubt herself because of her body I was feel terrible because it was my immaturity and stupidity and messed up head that led to it, and I only wanted her/us to be happy. We were in love. We had given plans of the future, and marriage. We had our future dogs picked out. It always seemed that everytime I would take 2 steps forward, she would see me watching someone with big boobs on tv (literally all you see nowadays), or I would put my foot in my mouth and accidentally make her feel like crap.
This is the one of the most recent of the mess ups. It was an afternoon and she was out running errands and I was home alone. I had restrictions on my phone due to lack of trust, but by this point I hadn't watched p in a very very long time and felt confident that I was sworn off of it. I knew my girlfriend was going to want to have sex when I got to her house so before I left I ed, thinking I would make her feel good by the amount I eja onto her. When I got there she was waiting for me in the sexiest outfit ever. She never wore lingerie because of her self-esteem and thinking her boobs werent big enough. But today she was wearing an amazing outfit. The edging however had made me go soft. And I was not stiff for her like we both wanted. This devastated her because she was trying to reward me for being good boyfriend and man. I had lied and caused more damage.
The most recent one, is the killer. I hate myself for this. I cannot stand myself for what happened, and what I said. It had been a great day. We had made love earlier that morning and we had been loving and sweet all day. We were studying and watching television when this old woman with a boob job shows up on tv and for some reason, in my mind i have to do a double take to see her cleavage. I honestly don't know why I looked. I didn't think the woman was attractive at all, it was just her boobs were out. My girlfriend saw me do my double take and got upset (naturally), I tried to talk to my girlfriend and tell her that I didn't find that woman or her square fake boobs attractive but she wasn't buying it. She pried and pried about how I loved big boobs and how big boobs were everything. She was not letting it go. She said that if there was two girls that were identical but one had bigger boobs I would choose the bigger boobs one. My immediate reaction was to deny this and assure her that I love her body and boobs. And then she tricked and trapped me. She told me that she would pick the version of me that was more ripped, or had less acne, or was taller. I do not think I'll ever know why I thought it was okay to do this but I then told her that yes I would pick the version with bigger boobs. I also said that she would fill out her dresses, bathing suits, and bras more, and it would give her more confidence.

Now here is the really messed up and mind screwing confusing part for me. I truly believe that my girlfriend looks perfect. I truly think that she is so incredibly beautiful and that I am so lucky to even be able to hold her hand let alone make love to her. She is everything that I want. She will never believe me, and everytime I tell her that shes beautiful or amazing looking she says no you want big boobs.

She broke up with me that night. I had broken her for the last time. I honestly cannot blame her. I made her hate herself, even though she is my best friend. I am too immature, and I know that it is a product of extended use of p and saturation of the media. I need to grow up. That woman is the love of my life. I know I don't deserve her and am a huge scum bag and a loser but I need her. She has been here for me at times when I have had no one else. She has given me everything and I keep screwing up. She says that I have lost her forever, but out of love and hope and prayer I hope that I can change for her and show her that I don't want anything but her. That big boobs don't mean anything. Little pounds of fat on a womans chest does not define who they are. I am confident to say that I am off of p. But the relationship with the person I considered my soulmate is shattered right now. The damage has been done. Now my only chance is to change myself. Grow up and be the man that I want to be. And hopefully when I am changed and feeling good about who I am. She will be there. And we can continue what we had.

-Fapollo 13







To you know who: I will always regret everything I have done and will wish always to go back in time. I will always love you. There will always be peaches waiting for you, if you decide you want one. I am forever sorry.