So I just relapsed after 18 days. I was actually in the process of maximizing my anti-porn security/testing and ending up relapsing. I use coldturkey and it works amazingly well. That combined with etc/hosts and some downloads from github, I've been able to make accessing porn impossible. I even went so far as using the command line and the android developer kit to remove the play store and all browsers and distracting apps from my phone. I feel horrible after relapsing. I am also recovering from Covid which can have symptoms that mimic pmo withdrawals... symptoms that can last long after Covid is gone. The anxiety/lethargy/brain fog are horrible. I have been looking at porn consistently for maybe 5 years-ish now. While I 'average' once every 4-7 days, the content I'm watching has morphed some and I'm not proud of it. I have made a few 14-21 day streaks although not many. (I'm curious what anyone thinks about the 'level' of addiction that I have been in for the past 5-ish years or so and what sort of realistic expectations I should have based on my level of use) I want to be completely free from this. One thing I've realized I really need is material that is hopeful and positive. I am trying to focus less on the number of days or more on overall healing. I've realized I definitely have some trauma and need to address how I frame my thinking. I've began therapy. The Covid threw me off so bad. It was horrible. Three horrible weeks. It's quite infuriating, this covid garbage - not knowing if symptoms are purely from pmo or covid or some twisted combination. I know one thing that will help is entering into genuine dialogue with my fellow fapstronauts. I'm presently feeling some level of release/anxiety lifting as I write this and know I am entering into a community of transparency, fellowship and support. Looking forward to everyone's thoughts.
18 days is a great run! I can’t really comment on the ‘Level’ of addiction question. I think you can greatly increase your chances of recovery by changing up your strategy. I overcame P almost 15 years ago. It wasn’t as easy as I wanted it to be. And it was expensive. I paid for two different therapists. I also attended two different 12 step groups. I also ended up not having the internet in my home for a year. I would walk to the local library if I needed to access the internet. This helped me be more intentional about my internet usage. This is what worked for me. I know that having someone or a group that can hold you accountable is important. Addiction thrives on secrecy. There is a lot of power in being open and honest with people you know. I wish you the best. Keep fighting. Discover every trigger and build up a defense against that trigger. Change your behavior by choosing to act differently when that same trigger comes around again. If you feel stuck, do something different. Change up your strategy. You’ve got this!
Right there with you on wanting to be free of the addiction, and not feeling great about intensity escalation over time. The good news is you’re already doing great if you’ve made it 14-21 days at a time. Keep putting defenses in place. And huge yes to finding sources of joy and positivity. Your brain will crave dopamine so it needs a good way to get it some other way. You got this.
Welcome to the forum! It's a great resource, and I am very grateful to have a place to come to for advice, comradery, and support in the endeavor of living life without PMO. It's great to come to a place and see that, no, you are not delusional for seeing the harm that it does in your own life, and even better you can find many perspectives of people finding out the damages PMO has done, and how they've been able to heal. Great to hear you are getting right back on the horse. That's one of the most crucial mentalities to cultivate in recovery. Even when when you stumble, the path to freedom is right there waiting for you to travel upon.
Every 24 hour cycle completes at about 12:30ish pm. I do not plan on counting every individual day. I put markers for big days on my calendar, but did not set a notification for each individual 24 hour period. As I was thinking about my longest streak (30days-ish) I remembered that during that streak I did not focus on the number of days. In fact, when I hit that one month mark, it came as a surprise as I looked at my calendar and said to myself 'Oh wow, I hit a month.' That being said, I do intend to be more vocal about the reboot experience itself. One thing I've noticed is that I tend to wake up sad. It passes after a while, but for the first hour or so of the day I'm sad and the part of me that would generate dreams/goals, experience motivation and generate a sense of direction is not that there... imagine being in a state where things feel fine and you are going about doing chores or whatever and maybe even humming and whatnot - that part of me seems to be missing. Easy things feel arduous. I had a strange experience last night. It was around 11pm and I was feeling tired, ready to go to bed and rather relaxed. I was looking forward to a good night sleep. Then, as I was just thinking about different things, my pace of thought intensified and the content of my thoughts became rather emotionally charged. I tossed and turned until about 2am. I finally went to sleep, and when I did I had the most bizarre nightmare experience. Earlier that day, while I was in the family room reading, someone else had an AppleTV series going and there was these murderous invisible nanobots flying around and chopping literally everything into pieces. From groups of people to giant boats and buildings. Well those appeared in my dream. There was a group of people, myself included, being chased by these invisible slicing nanobots of death circling the property in one direction and in the other direction there was a group of vampires chasing people down! Like.. WHAT? absolutely Bizarre and terribly unpleasant. But that is not the strangest part. For the first time that I can remember, I had what felt like a lucid dream. I was consciously trying to wake up from this dream for what felt like at least a solid hour, if not more. I was conscious of my efforts to try and move positions, even thinking to implement a strategy of 'rolling to one side until I fell off the edge, on to the grounding, hoping to wake myself.' While I was in the dream, I was knowingly thinking about my physical situation and trying to get my body to rouse from sleep. I was aware of both states - the part of myself that was participating in the dream and another part of my thinking mind wanted to wake up and was trying to get my body to do what it had to to make that happen. My greatest concern right now is that a part of me seems to be missing. Before I got Covid.. which was a horrible nightmare of an experience (I did not even think I had Covid for the first three days because the symptoms were purely emotional/mental - it started with lightheadedness that would come on if I sat still or stood still so I literally paced continuously for 7 hours until I fell asleep from exhaustion, only to wake up into another 4 hours of a panic attack. This was coupled with emotional distraught, crying for no reason, forgetting how to drive to places that were short distances away, chills, clammy skin, etc. It wasn't until I could not eat and food and brushing my teeth made me gag that I went and got a take home test), I was ON POINT. I'm a senior working through my comp sci degree and my entire day was intentionally planned out using 45 and 90 minute timers, doing school, non-school sources (like HyperSkill, recommended books and tutorials, etc.) while also teaching myself math through free resources and not through college class. And this is as a just turned 40 adult, not an 18 or 20 year old. Also, the college is in accelerated 8 week courses - not the standard 16. I was very go-go-go and super on point with time management, completing my specific daily tasks, and going above and beyond whatever I was assigned by professors (even to the point of professors telling me I was getting too far beyond the assignment material; as an example I remember a professor telling me to stop using recursion and other things in my assignments, as it was too far beyond the scope of the material and may create difficulties for other students who had to take my programs and alter/build upon them). This part of myself seems to have 'flown away.' It's no longer with me. I'd appreciate any input regarding these odd experiences. Has anyone else experienced something similar? I know I had read of such things being the case on this site, but the articles I read are generally less articulate and specific than what I just laid out - I wanted to be as clear and concise as possible regarding my experience to avoid any 'talking past' one another and also to hopefully determine if anything I am experiencing may be beyond the scope of PMO withdrawal symptoms. That's it for now. I appreciate all of you that read this all the way through and even more those of you who take the time to leave some feedback. Blessings and encouragement to you all, Michael
