This website is keeping me alive. Having this community and fellowship to turn to each day is working miracles. To say I am pleasantly surprised is an understatement. I open it up each morning and look at the day tracker counting up the days. I am shocked it is real. But there it is, the number keeps getting bigger. I walked out on my girlfriend of 8 years a while back. My life exploded. I was alone and lost, drinking. I had no idea how porn had an affect on me over the years. I was clueless how damaged my mind was and the pain and destruction it created. I had habitually cheated on her over the years. I left my wife to be with her. I moved to her state to have a life with her. Like most people here I kinda had an ego about how hyper sexual I was. I thought it was normal behavior. That mixed with drinking sent me down a path of lying and secrecy that made me sicker and sicker. I found myself alone in a shitty studio apartment in a crappy part of town. My mind was spinning out of control. I was keeping it together at work but the anxiety was a struggle daily. The drinking and porn gave me an escape whilst closing in on me. I ordered prescription drugs online. I compulsively went on dating and hook up apps. I had been using porn since I was a little kid growing up in the eastern US. I remember seeing magazines with my cousins and older kids. I was mesmerized. My brother, sister and I grew up outside New York City in the 80's. When I was a late teen there was always a reason to go into the city to visit my cousin or meet up with family friends. At the time 42nd street and times square was a combat zone of porn movies and shops. I was like a moth to a candle. The port authority bus station was located right there. As I caught my bus home I aways found time to spend there. You could put coins in the video booths, watch live sex shows, or jerk off to woman on the other side of the glass. I felt bad afterwards but never enough to keep my from repeating the behavior. I went out of state to university. I was busy with school. I studied hard but it didn't come easy to me. I exercised a lot. The gym facilities were open to students. I lifted weights and swam a lot. One day I got out of the weight room and was sitting in the sauna. Some guy was pulling on his cock. It freaked me out. I was being hit on? I was scared. I would go back. It became compulsive to go there and jerk off with other men. I was shocked. I am not gay. But again I went back time and time. It messed with my self image and confidence. My anxiety kicked in. If I had free time or was alone I aways found my way back there. I hated it. I graduated and went to a trade school. I ended up getting married to a beautiful Spanish woman I met in New York City. We traveled. I forgot about all my previous activity. I came across the TV show the Pick Up Artist. I was fascinated. I bought all the books. I was traveling a lot and would meet woman for one night stands in what ever hotel I was staying in. I had bad acne when I was younger, I never felt attractive. Now I found myself getting attention from woman and really enjoying it. The combination of drinking, traveling, low self esteem and anxiety about my sexuality was a powerful combination. I loved going to bars and drinking. I thought I was really living life. One evening in Honolulu I was walking back on the beach. I saw a girl sitting at a bar. We started talking. We spent the next 3 or 4 days together. I was laid off from my job. Back home I found excuses to go visit her. I was married but I couldn't stop. I ll write more later. Enough for now.
We all have a rough past... that is what makes us who we are today, but the test is do we let it define us? I myself am finding the answer to that is NO. Push through whatever you have in your past, let it define who you become for the better. The shadows we always be there as a reminder, but they are in the past and better days lay ahead.
