Hi there, I've been hesitating to write this for over a week now because I've been having my ups and downs lately, but I really need to hear some advice or I'm gonna lose my shit. Little backstory: I'm fairly sure I have ADHD, and I've noticed that every time I get attached to someone I like, it becomes extremely exhausting because I continuously burn myself out with overthinking and shit like that. A few weeks back an extremely close friend of mine kissed me. We've always been playfully flirting but I never really saw her as more as a friend, which is why I think it was so easy for me. She did show some signs along the way, such as holding my hand from time to time and other forms of physical contact. Eventually, she developed feelings for me, leaned for a kiss and then it happened. I felt really great, it didn't bother me at all and it felt like somewhat of a relief for me as well. The first week was great, we were still flirting over text because I wasn't gonna be able to see her for another three weeks. After a week, she told me even though she likes me a lot, she wasn't ready for a relationship which I already found odd given the signs she's been giving me the past few months + the kiss. Immediately afterwards she did say she still sees something in me and kept giving sexual hints and telling me she wants to sleep over at my place. The following days that slowly faded away to the point where every time I tried to flirt, she'd not really respond to it or flirt back. I was extremely confused and felt a little down, up until a week later when the same thing happened. Lots of sexual and flirty texts, but you guessed it, now for the past few days she's been completely distant. Yes I get it, she's busy, and so was I, but there's still a difference. I do think she still likes me but on the other hand all the effort she's been doing for the past few months completely vanished ever since she kissed me. As if she was building up to that moment and then once she knew she got me she stopped giving it her all. You know, she was into me because she couldn't get me and now that she got me she's just moving on or something. I'm totally losing my mind now and have mentally been so exhausted to the point where I don't find joy in anything and just mindlessly stare at a wall all evening, it has even become something so physical that I don't feel like eating and sometimes even feel weak and nauseous. Weeks ago, we did, however, plan we would meet up and she will come over to my place on Saturday, and as I said she even said she wanted to spend the night here and sleep with me. So far she hasn't retracted that idea so I'll probably have a chat with her then. However, just in general, how do you guys tend to deal with this? First of all, during my dating life in general I've always been so fucked up mentally. I invest so much into the person I love to the point where I completely forget who I am. I even notice I've been going through changes myself, it's pretty clear. Instead of being the confident, flirty guy from a month ago, I changed into somewhat of a softie. I had nothing to lose and that's probably why it was so easy for me to flirt. I've been trying to find back the confident me but it's been so difficult. Now it feels like I have everything to lose. Every time I date someone my thoughts and mind take over me to the point where I'm not myself anymore. I become someone different, they lose interest and when I start looking for someone new, I'm back to my old self again and all my charms work again, simply because there are no feelings yet and I have nothing to lose. As soon as I get feelings, it's game over. I am so lost with myself to the point where I've given up all hope in romance. Not because of the people I date, but because of myself, my mind, the overthinking, the over protectiveness, etc. I'd greatly appreciate it if someone who can somewhat step into my shoes share their experience with me and how they dealt with what I'm going through. I've seen countless videos on the internet on how to deal with this but I never felt any of them resonated with what I'm going through in my head. I've been so extremely stuck in my head to the point where even the people closest to me start to notice I'm sad and more on edge than usual. Thank you for reading through this, let's hope I can find a way out of this hell hole fast, otherwise, I might start going insane and lose everyone I'm close to.
Hey man, I was exactly the same as you 2 years ago. I have completely changed since then and even though I am just a random guy on the internet, your story resonated with me because I could have written the same thing 2 years ago. I appreciate your vulnerability. It's not easy to open up like that and share your feelings in front of everyone. I want you to read this carefully because I'm going to share with you what worked for me. But before I do, you need to understand one thing. It's going to take time to change. There will still be situations where you feel like crap. Just like now. But it will get better with time. Your first quality is that you are aware that you are the one who screws things up. Because of your overthinking and your emotional dependence. It's a huge step towards change to admit that. Most guys blame women instead. But that's not enough. Now you have to make the decision that you will make the effort to change. You already have the answer to your question. The most important relationship advice you can ever have is: relationships start with yourself. That means that the relationships you have with others, especially women, are a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. In other words, how you feel about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more fulfilling, healthy and easy your relationship with others will be. So here's what I put in place 2 years ago to change. I was exactly like you. But by implementing new habits, I changed how I felt about myself, which affected my relationships in a positive way. Going to the gym Eating healthy Meditating, spending time with myself. I repeated these habits every day. Until I reached a point where my well-being became more important than what others could give me. That is to say that I even refused dates with women to take care of myself. I'm not talking nonsense, you can check out the many scientific studies that prove that exercising and eating healthy improves your mood, self-esteem and decrease anxiety and compulsive thoughts. You have two related problems. The fact that you think too much, and your emotional dependence. To stop thinking too much, you have tools at your disposal such as sports, meditation and healthy eating. Your emotional dependency will also disappear by doing all these things. Because you will fully realize that your well-being is more important than anything you can get from others. Including sex. Now, like I said, it will take time. But if you really want to change and feel better about yourself, you have tools. You're not lost. If it's important enough to you, you'll make the effort. There's no magic pill to dating. It all starts with yourself. Dating is about feeling good about yourself and sharing that happiness with women. It's not about taking things from others. This girl is giving you a gift. She just wants you to understand that you are not ready yet. And believe me, given your mental state at the moment, if you were to get sex from her, it wouldn't make you feel better about yourself. Also, your message makes me think that you might be depressed or have chronic stress/anxiety. because I went through the same thing and had a lot of the same symptoms that you have. If it's too hard for you to make these efforts, don't hesitate to go see a doctor and ask for antidepressants. it saved my life. Thanks to the antidepressants I was able to get back into sports, meditation and healthy eating. But you know best how you feel and if you are able to get out there and give it your all. Even if you feel bad. I was in severe depression so it was impossible. I needed medication and someone to talk to. I hope you will not take this message lightly. I can't hide the fact that it touched me and you seem to be a cool guy, vulnerable and with good values. I hope you get through this, and when you do, you'll be stronger. Last thing and this is just a bonus. I think getting over your fear of meeting women in your everyday life can help you. That is to say in parallel to take care of yourself, approaching women in the street, stores, going out to see friends ... all this is a bonus that will allow you to regain your self-confidence. It does not mean that it will work immediately, but remember: the most important thing is how you feel with yourself, your well-being before relationships. And it is precisely because you feel good about yourself that it will work with women. And that you will have healthy relationships. if it can motivate you, I even made a video about this very dark period of my life, it affected me and this video was a therapy. And a way to move forward in my life.
