Hi, im new one. (sorry for long post with bad English)

A few months ago a had depresion. It wasnt´t a small depresion, what i wanted to do was jump of the window. My head and common sence stopped me but i realize that if this will be repeating, maybe one time i wouldnt be so strong. It was like torturing from inside. I had less intensive moments like this before and I really tryed beat it. So i trying exercise, meeting friends, travel. But exept that i also being lazy, watching porn, serials, playing games. Actually, I spent tons of times doing exactly: Nothing.

When i had that "big moment" of depresion, it taked maybe three or four days. I was actually affraid to open window for fresh air to make something stupid. I had a second date. That girl was attractive, came to my appartment, we kissed a little bit and all the time i feel so down. I look in the mirror, she was next to me. My job was fine, i had nice place to live. We also look stunning. But insade it was the most depresion moment in my life.

Actually, before i met that girl my plan was to met with another. She was very religious, (charismatic christian) hard to even get her somewhere out so i gave up. I don´t feel guilty but when i done it - hard to describe but like... I feel from insade that someone was pissed on me. In that moment i was one hudred percent sure it is God. I felt him. I just felt him. I asked myself if i was eating mushrooms or what but no. It was nothing like drogs or alkohol. I just made a call, cancel meeting, set another with different girl, put my body on couch and that feel came. After that came emptyness.

After days with the biggest depresions of my life i saw some priest on youtube. I had feel that he saying to me. In that moment all depresions go away and i felt clear happines.

Next day girl told me that she dont wanna be with me. I feel so happy actually. She just had bigger guts than me.

Next months was like on roller coaster. Some good days, some bad days. I started reading Bible. Being a good person. Dont be lazy. I tried to stop "do nothing". Uinstalled social networks from my phone, playing games only for weekends and not so long. A few weeks was good, then i was weak and came to old life. When depresions started coming back i reset to new life again. Until nowadays.

I saw picture on FB. Fapstronauts. I watched some conversation with a guy who was fapstronaut. And he start talking what bring it to him. And i realize that lots of missing pieces exactly fits. My nervosity when i talk with girls, laziness, confidence. And yes, i read in Biblie "do not masturbate" passages but i did not see reason why. Its healthy right? Actually i tryed to fool myself that its some type of metaphore...

So i decide to set first target - NoFap, no porn and no relationship this summer. And i really hope that it will be helpfull for me...