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Never had a real adult relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Moxie, Aug 14, 2015.

  1. Moxie

    Moxie Fapstronaut

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    I saw girls in high school, and college, but couldn't make them stay. I hoped that doing NoFap and changing my life and improving myself would help that, but I have become impatient. I have three siblings who haven't remained single for 2 weeks since they turned 17, but I've gone years, once 5 years, between getting romantic interest from a girl. I am shy. I never learned how to approach the issue (talk to girls) in high school or college because I was too busy with PMO. Where do I start now at 26 years old? I'm finished with college, I work at home, and I live in the woods near a small town. I needed to vent because this problem feels like a huge weight crushing my chest.
     
  2. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Damn @Moxie. I have been there before. You have to tackle your shyness problem. What have you tried to overcome your shyness around women?
     
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  3. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I guess the best way is to get yourself into situations in which you actually are exposed to women, but before that get your attitude right. I am not saying that your attitude is wrong, I just want to state what I think is important:

    In my language there is a nice saying which would roughly translate to "anything's possible, nothing's binding", meaning that you should not clinge onto a woman you meet too quickly, try to keep a neutral mindset, explore the person you have in front of you instead of trying to conquer her, do not get sad over rejection (which always shows it wasn't meant to be right away), also remain patient, not expect too much of a first date and so on. With this attitude in mind it could also become easier to approach women at all. If you're a nice guy - and congratulation to your 180 days by the way, that shows you definitely can be determined about something! - they will certainly enjoy being talked to by you, as long as you take things slowly.
     
  4. @Moxie

    I am 33 and I believe I am in the similar place you are.

    It can feel at time like a stone chained to your leg.

    However :)

    I are doing great with NoFap.

    I mean you should not see girls as object anymore.

    And dating is supposed to be fun. I mean, it is fun.

    I would suggest you take it slowly.
    ------
    1. Start with keeping eye-contact for a bit longer. (To see how it feels)

    2. Get used to saying something extra when starting conversations. (I mean at stores etc...) To get comfortable.

    3. When you see a girl you like, consider to talking to her. (keep in mind that you miss 100% Girls if you don't try)

    4. If you go to speak to her, in 70-80 percents they will be flattered to speak to you and when they are flattered, you are loyal.

    5. When you go to speak to her, be yourself and ask for something real.

    6. Look for deeper connection.

    7. If it does not work out, try again. Don't stop. Try again.

    Finally, I am from small town too. Are you sure there is not 1 special girl? ;-)

    Good Luck!
     
  5. g0lliver

    g0lliver Fapstronaut

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    I found myself awkward around women until my early/mid twenties. I was shy too.

    You start with your network of friends and siblings. They're your first route. If there's a social event, some kind of gathering, go to it. Meeting through social networks (i mean real ones, not online ones) is perhaps your best option..

    How small is the town? Does it have any social centres like a bar/club/place where people hang out? How close is the nearest city? Do you have a car?

    I forced myself to go out and meet women. Not necessarily looking for sex, I'm not a predator. Just to practice socialising with them, as I didn't get much exposure when I was a teenager. I literally 'flew solo'. Yes, I went to bars and clubs completely alone (kinda creepy I know) and just worked on my charm. I met my last girlfriend like that. I know it sounds creepy, but this is what I would do:

    1. Walk into bar/club.
    2. Walk around a bit to see who's there.
    3. Grab a drink, sit at bar/stand.
    4. Walk a bit more. Drink a bit more.
    5. Find a girl whom I think I can approach (you can get a feeling if a girl is also looking around)
    6. Make eye contact with her first. (that's the most important... never approach 'blind'). If she looks at you, looks away, looks back, or smiles... BHAM! you're in.
    7. Approach and introduce yourself/offer to buy a drink. I never really know what's a good opening line. I stay away from cheesy one liners. Usually a comment about the music or a compliment to her is good.

    I did that last with my ex gf. We had a good one year relationship because I went out and did those 7 steps.

    I'm writing an essay, sorry. All I'm saying is, eye contact is the most important when you meet a girl for the first time. And... try and open your social networks.
     
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  6. g0lliver

    g0lliver Fapstronaut

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    Oh by the way the places I went to usually had music and were busy :)
     
  7. SuperKrishna44

    SuperKrishna44 Fapstronaut

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    Hi @Moxie,
    I've been in the same situation as you're now. My sex life began a little before my 28th birthday. Before that I'd problems with myself and talking with women too and I had other stuff than women in my head. For me the key was just being able to talk to girls. And seriously it really doesn't matter about what you talk, it's just about talking about anything what's coming to your head, the more it matters to you the better. Try to talk to any woman around you. Age and attractiveness don't matter that much at this point, just get comfortable to talk to them first. I was lucky to meet a wonderful girl, where I wasn't tensed, scared or silent somehow anymore. The company of her made me feel very comfortable and confident and I could talk about anything with her. This is how it all started and I wasn't afraid to talk to any woman after that. I felt most confident when I've been alone with a girl and not many other people were around me. But I think this varies for each person, some feel more confident in a crowded place or in a group. For me it's still one on one situations, since I don't feel exposed to other people so much while being alone with a girl/woman. It's much easier to open myself and I don't feel so comfortable in dance clubs with loud music etc except I know the people I'm there with. It turned out quickly, that I'm very good at talking to people (not only girls) since it's very easy for me to make them laugh now. I never dreamed about being that relaxed in conversations until I've been older than 26, so chin up!

    All the best mate!
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2015
  8. bean

    bean Fapstronaut

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    @Moxie ,

    I apologize in advance as this turned out longer than I thought, but I feel like sharing this will help you and others like us to make positive changes. Please read through this entirely if you want to make some headway.

    Reading your post, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror right now. I'm also 26. Since college I've had one-night stands and flings that lasted no longer than four months but never a committed relationship. Recently I had a married woman tell me in a bar that I look sad sitting down, she would have never guessed I could be friendly and relatively cheery. She eventually told me I was so lost, and I eventually understood why -- though it's getting a lot better!

    Let me say first that I agree with the advice given by @g0lliver and @SuperKrishna44 . However, if your problem is anything like mine, and methinks it is, it sounds like you need to work on yourself more--your "inner game," if you will.

    What you need to do is, first and foremost NOT compare yourself with your siblings (or anyone else for that matter) and instead ask yourself why YOU don't feel like you can be in a relationship. Break down your reactions when you're around women and consciously think about why you (consciously or not) react as such:
    • 1. Are you just shy? If so, why? Any wingmen/women you can rely on to help you along in your interactions with women?
    • 2. Do you feel like your past issues with porn addiction are preventing you from approaching?
    • 3. Are you looking to be in love with someone or do you just like the idea of being in love? This last question is and important one, with more profound implications than you think.
    • 4. (more of a follow-up to 3) Do you feel like you're "not good enough" to talk or be in a relationship with a woman? If so, why?

    Now, as far as how I took inventory of those questions:

    1. I'm not shy. I know because once I get to know people I'm good with them. I just have trust issues (more on that in a second).

    2. My porn addiction has definitely affected my interactions with women, though I flirt with them more, objectify them less and have not watched porn in about a month. however, I have fantasized and used porn substitutes recently which is just as bad. Why do I want to bring that into a relationship? I already objectified one girl I was with earlier this year and I was the one that ended up getting hurt because I couldn't get my jollies off when we ended it. Interesting mindset, no?
    Continuing to reinforce your habits as a porn addict will only continue to reinforce the dopamine dependency and spread to all other areas of your life! You won't be intimate with anyone if you have the pixelated mindset. Fortunately, this doesn't seem to be a problem for you given your counter, unless you've been doing some naughty peeking during your streak.

    3. Right now I just like the idea of being in love. I feel like I see couples all around me together and it makes me boil, but not because of anything particular about them. It's because, in general, they have someone they can be intimate with (and by intimate I do not mean just in sexual manner). They have a partnership, they can spend time together, get to know each other, give to each other, help each other grow in ways that you can't on your own. And I want someone who can help me do that so baaad! But the way I want it is in a selfish manner; I want to get and think less of the giving. That's a dangerous mindset. Because to be in relationship means that you have to give things up, make concessions, make sacrifices, and plan together. I don't feel like doing that yet because there's still so much I want to do with my life, before i decide to partner with someone to make it our life. To go into a relationship just for my needs would be selfish, especially if I only like the person for superficial reasons.

    The answer to question 4 explains why:

    4. Two parts to this:

    a. Personally, at this point in my life I don't think I'm "good enough" for a relationship. First of all, right now I'm unemployed, so that means right now I only qualify for most women's "fun zone" (Google "hot/crazy matrix" into YouTube and you'll see what I'm talking about). I'm just starting to find social groups, something which I had been deprived of for the last 5 years because of both my line of work and my location. For years in college and post-grad I felt like I wasn't good enough because I never went out, I had only a few friends and I thought my life was BORING. And in truth, it was, because I was so focused on my career and my future plans that I missed out on everything that was happening around me and the experiences I could have enjoyed in the moment.

    So I had two choices: stay where I was, continue to labor on work and miss out on the rest of my twenties, or get the hell out of Dodge and make a career switch that allowed me a life more on my terms. I chose the latter. I firmly believe that if I create a life which I am proud of and which has value for me, then women will naturally gravitate towards me and the rest will take care of itself.

    b. I also know that part of the reason I don't feel like I'm "good enough" is that my whole life I've had people abandon me or I've pushed people away. Because of this for the longest time I feel like I've had to prove others wrong, like there was a reason people were leaving me and I had to win them back. Unconsciously, however, my own value still depended on others' love and acceptance of me, not my own love and acceptance of myself.

    The questions I now I have to ask myself are: Do I love myself? And do I love myself enough to where I don't have to depend on other people to make me happy, or make them happy with the expectation that they'll give back to me in return? And finally, do I forgive others for letting me down or abandoning me so I can be free of dependency on them? For the first time in my life, the answers seem to be pointing towards yes.

    ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    You've already taken HUGE strides with the streak you're on. But quitting PMO is not a cure-all panacea. Ask yourself those 4 questions, and see what answers you come up with. If you don't like the answers to those questions, then you know what you need to fix.

    I'll post some links later that I found as helpful resources in addressing the answers you get to those questions. I hope my experiences with addressing similar sentiments could help you Moxie. PM me or post here if you need anything else.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2015
    Moxie likes this.
  9. Moxie

    Moxie Fapstronaut

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    Wow I've really received some loving, caring words in response to my questions. This has renewed my positive perception of the empathy on this forum. I will think deeply on all of your advise. Thanks
     

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